A Punch To The Gut

Once upon a time, I thought Hudson was so highly-functional that being on the Spectrum didn't seem real. One of the local special services coordinators even asked if we wanted to have him retested to perhaps obtain a different diagnosis. We knew better than that, though, and had decided that we were NOT going through the testing process all over again. Hudson is very verbal and extremely bright, and he can handle himself without a meltdown for a good chunk of time. I used to think that he might only just barely be on the Spectrum. I don’t think like that very much anymore, but when I did, he would always find a way to remind us. And that reminder felt like a "punch to the gut" every time. And it still does today.

The realization hits the hardest usually when I am (or was, thanks to COVID) surrounded by children who are all his age. I see the way they act and know that my son does not/cannot do some of the things that they can. The first time my eyes were really opened to it was when I took Hudson to a music program at the library. All the other kids were dancing, singing, and following directions. Hudson was, too, but I could tell it was harder for him than the other kids. While they were all singing the song that was being instructed, my child was jumping and singing an entirely different song that he knew (“Wheels on the Bus”) at the top of his lungs.

Birthday parties are also another big smack in the face for me. Truthfully, I have a "love/hate" relationship with them. I’m beyond happy when Hudson is invited because I worry that his “weirdness” will keep him from having friends. But I also shudder a little bit when we get an invite because I know watching other kids getting gifts, or waiting to do certain activities, can trigger a meltdown.

This past summer, Hudson was invited to a birthday party, the first one where it wasn’t a family member (or a friend who is like family). It was at a playground nearby so I knew I could take him home if things got bad. He only *almost* melted down just once, waiting in line to hit a pinata. The thing that bothered me the most, though, was watching him isolate himself on the playground while all the other kids ran around and played together. I also noticed another kid climbing the monkey bars. This little boy was just a few days younger than Hudson. It pained me to watch because there was no way Hudson could do that if he tried. A small fact that you may not know about Autism is that some people who are diagnosed have low muscle tone and it’s harder for them to do physical things, like climbing or jumping. My child has literally been learning how to simply jump for over a year now.

Since we’ve been quarantined (nearly two months now) our eyes have been opened a little bit more to Hudson’s Autism. He just recently started doing teletherapy, five times per week. Since we can’t be at school or see his therapists face-to-face, we have been using FaceTime and Zoom to interact with them.

While I’ve had a front row seat at his therapy sessions for years, I sometimes would think that maybe age played a part in the things he struggled with. For example, cutting and writing are quite hard for him, even though he’s been working on those things for almost a year. I can tell he tires easily and he struggles to find a way that is comfortable for him. I would have thought before that this was something all four-year old children struggled with. But I can now truly see that Hudson is a bit different. Another thing I never noticed are the physical things such as squatting, pedaling his tricycle, or even catching a ball.

What’s even harder is I am noticing Finn, who is just 18-months old, can do some of these things already. He squats down low like it’s nothing, but with Hudson I have to physically push him down into a squat. Hudson is also currently working on throwing things into a basket. He does OK, but it’s not perfect. Meanwhile tonight, I watched Finn throw a ball perfectly into a toy bin (he had been watching Hudson’s session). While it’s awesome that Finn is 18-months old and can do these things, it also stings a bit that he can do these things so easily while Hudson struggles with them - and they are three years apart.

Although Hudson’s biggest struggles are physical and social, he is very intelligent. I believe that those with Autism have amazing talents, almost as a way to make up for some of the other things they might struggle with. For example, Kodi Lee from America’s Got Talent, he’s blind and Autistic, but is an amazing musician. Hudson has this great memory where he hears something once and he just absorbs it. He knew his colors, alphabet and shapes right as he turned two. He knows more about dinosaurs than anyone I’ve ever met. Just recently he showed us he can read. I have had a sneaking suspicion that he could but the other day he actually sat down with me and he read the book. It was so awesome! I mentioned it to his speech therapist and she wasn’t surprised and confirmed that she could tell he could read.

I still believe Hudson is on the high end of the Spectrum, but maybe my eyes have been opened more lately. And although it stings, sometimes badly, I know he will catch up. There are so many things he couldn’t do, like jumping, but now he can. It’s just going to take him a little longer. He might be a little awkward as he learns, but that’s OK because it’s what makes him who he is, and I personally think he’s just the best thing ever. 😊