A Spectrum Dad's Father's Day Guilt

On a day designed to celebrate Dads/Step-Dads/Stand-ins (and I most certainly was celebrated, thanks to my wonderful family), I couldn't help but feel... guilty.

We have always been honest in our blog posts, and I'm about to be brutally honest with you all now.

The truth is, I haven't been the best Dad or husband that I could have been this past year.

I realize that there isn't a rubric to measure how well we did (or did not do) as a Dad over the course of a year, but I can't help but feel that I SHOULD have done better. Trying to keep Hudson grounded, calm, and stimulated can sometimes be a full time job. It takes a lot of energy to surround him with the best world imaginable at home. I often feel like I am in constant surveillance mode, wanting to identify and prepare for any potential triggering mechanisms that might appear in his way. Birthday parties are a great example; Hudson struggles with gift-giving, always wanting to be the one to open gifts up. He doesn't care if they are meant for him or not - and if he can't open them, he sometimes spirals out of control. Kayla and I have to be prepared for that, and always have an exit strategy or some back up plan to bring him back to center.

With so much focus on Hudson's needs, it's easy to overlook that there are others in this family that have needs, too. Finn is an energetic, fun, spunky, daredevil who has his fingers on every single button Kayla and I have. We thought that we got lucky when we dodged the "Terrible Twos" with Hudson, but believe me when I say that Finn is MORE than making up for that now! His outbursts are frequent (and often accompany Hudson's, albeit for different reasons) and he often ignores what Kayla and/or I say. I'm certain that this kid has a series of award-winning books in the works; "Defiance", "Watch How Far I Can Throw My Food" and "How to Get Away with Murder in a Diaper".

Kayla has worked so hard this past year. She transitioned out of the library and into the classroom to teach First Grade, doing so with only a couple of weeks to prepare. She's days away from surviving it all, and she has done great! But it wasn't easy on her. This wasn't a school year that was easy on anyone... let alone a first year teacher. There have also been other things in our lives this past year that have caused tremendous stress and heartache, and pushed us to our breaking points.

I'd like to say that I always give Finn and Kayla the same grace and patience that I give Hudson, but I don't think that would be true. There are just some days where I don't have enough fuel in the tank for them all. Days when the boys will ask me to play in the toy room, but I delay because I'm sipping my coffee or skimming through a quasi-interesting article online. Days when I'm behind on a project at work and have to work late. Days when there's a project at home that needs my attention and I thrust all of the other household/parenting duties onto Kayla. There were fights I started unnecessarily, or fights that I let carry on for longer than I should have. Worst of all, there have been days where Kayla just needed a hug, but I didn't pick up on the hints that she was giving me.

For all of that, I am... guilty.

Raising a family and keeping a marriage strong takes a lot of work and effort. The great Dads/Step-Dads/Stand-Ins out there get this already (and I know I could learn from them all), but our families deserve the absolute best that we can give them - each and every single day. Having a child with special needs adds several layers of thought, care, and complexity, but that shouldn't take away from what you have to give to the rest of your family.

Play with your kids when they ask you to - that internet article will still be there when you're done. Listen to your spouse when they vent to you - REALLY LISTEN - and be ready to pull out that hug.

I'm going to try to remember all of this between now and next Father's Day. I've been pretty good, but I will be better. Believe me when I say this isn't meant to be a grab for attention; it's an honest confession.

Hudson has opened my eyes to so many simultaneously challenging and wonderful things, and he, Finn, and Kayla have given me more joy than I ever could have imagined. Years ago I used to wonder what being a husband and Father would be like. Father's Day is a day that I look forward to every year - and it's a day that I wouldn't get to celebrate without them. I so grateful for my family, and for their love.