Going Back to School

It's been six months since Hudson last went to school. Kayla did a phenomenal job handling his virtual learning at the end of the Spring semester, and his teacher (Mrs. Smith) provided him with some amazing materials for at-home work. It feels like forever since we last got him ready for a day of learning and fun with his teachers and classmates.

I remember the anxiety I had going into last year's Open House, where I watched my "is he REALLY this old already??" little buddy sit at his desk and take in his surroundings before his first official day of school. We didn't know if he would be excited, scared, overwhelmed, or any other adjective used to describe the feelings of a child who cannot easily communicate his thoughts and/or feelings. Who would cry first; Hudson, or his parents? Spoiler alert; Daddy got pretty misty-eyed during the Open House.

We struggled late this summer with trying to get Hudson excited to go back to school, knowing that doing so would be a challenge. With so much uncertainty about what school would look like in Fall 2020, it made it all the more difficult for us to find SOMETHING tangible that we could use to entice him to want to go back. The landscape has completely changed. No more sitting with desks together, no more close playing with classmates. When he's overwhelmed, sad, or having a panicked episode that he can't control, there won't be any hugs or "pressure points" to soothe him. Believe me - those made ALL the difference for him last year. Armed with next-to-nothing to excite him, all we could do was repeatedly ask "Hudson, are you ready to go back to school?" His answer? "Noooo! I don't want to go back to school!!"

I know what some of you might be thinking; "there was always the option to go remote - he doesn't have to go back." But it's not that simple... for us or for Hudson. His intelligence is practically off the charts. He's shown us that he can read (and does so quite often), and is academically in a place where another year outside of the classroom wouldn't hurt him in that regard. What he needs the most are the pieces that he cannot learn by being remote. He needs to socialize, and learn how to engage with people outside of his home. He needs to observe how his peers encounter emotional stimuli, and watch how they react. While we had some success with teletherapy over the summer, it became abundantly clear that remote sessions were not going to be a viable long-term solution. We debated the idea of trying to find a way to keep him remote, but knew that we simply could not do so and have it be in his best interests. Hudson had to go back to school.

Thanks to COVID, there was no Open House for this year. And honestly, I think we are lucky that our district is able to allow kids to return to school at all. I was able to meet Hudson's 4-Pre K teacher last Friday, though. Kayla has known her for quite some time, having worked at the school for the past several years. We took Hudson with us to get acclimated to his room, and to see how he would react. The room was warm and welcoming, and Hudson immediately became excited by all the things he saw! His demeanor changed instantly from weeks of emphatic "I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK" statements to "I CAN'T WAIT TO START SCHOOL IN MY NEW CLASSROOM!"

My relief at this moment was short-lived, though, having been replaced with this gut-wrenching feeling that I needed to be sure to find an opening in our conversations to bring up Hudson's Autism. I needed to explain his triggers... how he might struggle to communicate... how he talks about "a bully" being the reason why he's upset at something (when there really isn't a bully)... etc. These are the same feelings that creep up in me when Hudson meets new people, or finds himself in a new situation. I feel almost as if I have to be a flashing billboard that needs to display all of his challenges to someone, as a means to protect him from judgement, exclusion, or anything else that he needs to be guarded from. Any time we start to feel really great about where he is (and seemingly almost forget that he's Autistic at all), moments like this happen that remind us that he doesn't leave the Spectrum for awhile and go back to it; he's always going to be on that ride. And it breaks our hearts, over and over again.

When I switched to flashing billboard mode with his teacher, I realized that this would likely be a song that plays on repeat each new school year. I hope to one day be past my billboard stage, and trust that the world will embrace him entirely; challenges and all. For now, I'll settle for excited he is to go back to school, and how excited his teacher is to have him.