My Journey from 'Awareness' to 'Acceptance'

This month is a celebration; one in which we celebrate Autism Awareness. I’m still somewhat of a newbie at this... but with this “celebration” is the call for not only autism awareness, but also for acceptance. I think it’s easy for anyone to be “aware” of autism. Acceptance, though; that’s tricky. Acceptance doesn’t always come that easy. In fact, we received Hudson’s diagnosis over three years ago and I think just this year I started to actually accept it. When he first received his diagnosis I remember being somewhat in shock… even though we knew it was coming. The day after I desperately made phone calls, sent emails and messages while in hysterics hoping that I could find someone… anyone… who could help me fix my son. Matt and I only told close family and friends at first. It wasn’t something I wanted out in the open mostly for two reasons:

I didn’t want him labeled. I wasn’t ready for that.

I hadn’t accepted it yet. It took me almost 10 months before I could say the words “my son has autism” out loud.

I was grieving. It sounds silly to grieve over something like that, but I was also lost and confused. I had no idea what the future looked like for Hudson.

Would he lose his words?

Would he become aggressive?

Would he have friends?

Even when he was diagnosed the doctors couldn’t answer those questions or even tell us how severe his autism might be. There was a lot of unknown. I felt so much sadness for him, and for us, too. All our dreams for him felt like they were floating away. I also felt angry. I was angry with God for making my son this way. I would cry, “Why him? Why my beautiful boy?” And then I felt… guilt.

Autism isn’t a death sentence so I shouldn’t feel this way. There were so many other people out there who had it so much worse, so shame on me for feeling like this.

It was exhausting. But after three years I’d say I’m mostly there. I still have my moments. Even some I hate to admit, like the time I cried after a particularly difficult school meeting asking “why can’t he be normal?” Once I said it, I immediately regretted it. Some autism parents will tell you they felt relief when they got the diagnosis. It validated their feelings and opened up their world to more help. I wish I could say it was like that for me, but it wasn’t. I just felt so much sadness.

And I’ve learned it’s ok to feel sad. It’s ok to be relieved.

Feeling either way doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human. All anyone wants is the best for their child. Now I can openly talk about his diagnosis. I actually like when people bring it up because it offers me a chance to teach them about our experience with autism. It’s why we started this blog; to inform and help others to understand this world.