What I Would Go Back and Tell Myself

This past July marked four years since we received Hudson’s diagnosis. It seems a bit unreal that we’ve been on this road for that long.

I remember being so scared that day. I was a ball of nerves the entire appointment, randomly bursting into tears at any given moment. I even yelled at the poor receptionist about my insurance card, screaming at her, "I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!!”.

After it was finished we were numb. We all rode home in the car in silence for two hours, tears silently falling down both our faces. Matt and I were unsure of what our next steps would be and how we would navigate this new world.

I think about the day a lot, and where we are now. I wasn’t sure what the future held for him at that point. After that day I just wanted to know what his future would look like (I still wonder that). If only I had a crystal ball.

I wish I could go back and tell my younger self some things. I’d like to tell myself that it will be ok. Yes there will be hard times, but also good times. Autism is a roller coaster, so hold tight.

I’d tell myself that his milestones will be small in comparison to others, but when he hits them they are a thousand times more sweeter.

I’d also tell myself that this diagnosis isn’t the end. Just because there’s a diagnosis doesn’t mean he’ll suddenly change. In fact, he’ll end up being the sweetest, cuddliest toddler ever. And you’ll look back and miss those days so much. So soak it up and don’t look at him any differently than what you saw prior to a diagnosis.

I’d also tell myself that there will be hard days. Days where you hate autism so much it makes you want to scream. Days where you want nothing more than to wish it away.

I’d also tell myself that you’ll be stronger than you could ever imagine. You’ll learn how to fight for your child and how to be the person he needs. You’ll learn what it means to be an advocate.

I’m sure in four more years I’ll be able to tell myself so much more... hopefully mostly positive things. I’m not sure what the future holds for him, but I know I’ll be by his side through it all.