Getting Lost in Labels and Hollywood

Who remembers watching a movie or TV show and feeling that a particular scene, character, or episode fits you to a tee?

I'll admit that I have seen very little programming where Autism and the Spectrum are key components of the story line. But the ones that I have seen? They hit me dead center and as hard as can be. I can clearly identify with the characters and see the similarities in Hudson, Kayla, and/or myself.

Kayla and I binged the series 'Parenthood' not long after we received Hudson's diagnosis. One of the main story lines of the show follows Max (a kid with Asperger's Syndrome) and his family as they experience life on the Spectrum. Each episode gave me more insight into what life might be like for our family as Hudson got older. Max's triumphs are celebrated greatly by his family, and his more challenging encounters (at school, in public places, at home) are met with heartache, tears, and sometimes... anger. I found myself really relating to the Braverman family (minus their large incomes and beautiful lives in CA, of course). Finishing the series had me feeling a bit empty and longing for the next "escape" to lose myself in for a few hours a week.

A couple of weeks ago we started watching 'Atypical' on Netflix, a series that follows Sam as an Autistic kid (sorry, 'kid with Autism' - more on that later) and his family. We're only a few episodes into the first season, but it covers some things that 'Parenthood' did not - counseling sessions for Sam, an Autism support group for the parents, and a younger sister (not on the Spectrum) who deals with life in the shadows of her brother's Autism. The show tries to bring some humor to Sam's diagnosis, but it really is more drama than comedy.

We watched two episodes last night that really got me thinking, specifically about these key plot lines:

Plot Line 1 - Public Triggers

Sam's therapist (Julia) is trying to help him navigate dating, and suggests that he start picking out his own clothes - things that made him feel good - instead of relying on his Mom to dress him everyday. Sam's Mom initially protests, reminding him how being out in large crowds tends to not go well for him. When they get to the store, Sam's Mom immediately becomes frantic/slightly neurotic about the packed dressing rooms and the loud noises, and is so focused on these potential triggers that she doesn't hear him when he says "I'm fine, Mom. Everything is fine." His Mom presses the store manager to make things more accommodating for her son (who continues to insist that he's fine) and eventually ends up thrown out of the store. As a parent, I know the anxiety all too well that comes from trying to have a contingency plan for every possible trigger that Hudson might encounter when leaving the house.

Plot Line 2 - Labels

Sam's parents go to an Autism support session. His Mom typically goes to these alone, but his Dad decides to attend this one as he wants to learn more about how to better handle things after Sam becomes injured in public after a "episode". The session leader thanks Sam's Dad for coming and asks him if wants to share anything. He leads with describing Sam as "my Autistic kid", and the session leader immediately corrects him...

"People first language - Person before diagnosis."

I had never even heard of PFL - People First Language - before this episode. In one of our earlier posts about meeting Hudson's 4-PreK teacher last year, I always feel the need to carry some flashing sign or banner that tells people about Hudson's diagnosis. I rationalize it in my mind as a means to alert them before they have a chance to cast judgment on his behavior and/or on our responses.

In an episode of 'Parenthood', Max's Dad (Adam) is at a grocery store with him and Max points out that a customer ahead of them in line has too many items for the express check out. Adam tries to diffuse the situation but clearly becomes agitated when the customer ahead of them passes judgement and uses derogatory language about Max.

I get that this is Hollywood, and the scene is meant to illicit an emotional-yet-not-entirely-realistic-response (and boy did it ever with me). The reality is that we live in a world where judgment is passed freely, and often without mercy. People can watch a 30 second encounter with Hudson and think that they know everything about him and us as his parents. When he melts down while waiting in line for something (see https://www.lettersfromthespectrum.com/post/taking-the-stares-by-kayla), my gut reaction is to immediately tell everyone within range...

"He has Autism" or "We have an Autistic son, so..."

Just typing these words I realize that I am failing him with this language more than I am protecting him. Autism will always be a huge part of who is, and people won't always understand or accept that. And I won't always know when it's appropriate to use/not use the label.

But Autism won't be all that defines him; it shouldn't be his true "label" in life.

Maybe one day someone in Hollywood will write an episode or story line about looking past Autism labels... it sure seems like a great place to get lost in, at least for an hour or so.